Hanna Is Not A Parody
by For Comedic Purposes
Summary: No movie, book, or... or sleezy TV show is safe. Hanna will be them all. And everyone else too, I guess.
1. Snow White

This was also something I wanted to write: a Disney/Hanna parody, written in this style of fanfickery (I just made that word up because I'm awesome) because I love it so much.

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**Snow White: A Parody**

Once upon a time in a far off land, there lived a beautiful princess with hair dark as sin and skin as white as snow that hasn't been pissed all over yet. And she was meticulous in her cleanliness. That's important.

Conrad: I'm a he! And I'm not a princess!

And besides being a touchy prick, she was beloved by all her people.

Conrad: *Mumbling* I am not a prick…

Except for her evil step mother, the queen, who was insanely jealous of her step-daughter.

Abner: He is unclean.

For a while, the queen tolerated the princess, but only if she would clean and scrub everything to the point of sparkling. To appease the queen, the princess did as she was bid, dreaming of the day her prince would come to take her away.

Worth: *Flicks off cigarette butt lazily* Tha's me.

Each day the queen would demand from the mirror to name the cleanest maiden in the land. And each day the mirror would always name her to be the most unsoiled. Until one day…

Abner: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the –is that dust?

Mirror: What?

Abner: Right there. It's a speck of dust!

Mirror: No, I don't think so Your Highness.

Abner: I'm pretty certain it is.

Mirror: *Coughs politely* Your question, Your Highness?

Abner: Right. Mirror, mirror, on the stand, who's the purest in the land?

Mirror: Well it's true you look great smothered in bleach–

Abner: *Blushes and giggles like a school girl* Oh stop it.

Mirror: –There is another who is the cleanliest maiden in the land.

Abner: *Blinks slowly* What?

Mirror: Her skin is pure white as snow

Abner: What…

Mirror: Her hair as unsoiled as night

Abner: What.

Mirror: Her glasses are shinier than a clear-cut diamond

Abner: What!

Mirror: It is the Princess Conrad who has cleanliness above them all.

Abner: WHAT!

Mirror: And so–

Abner: *Grabs a bat and beats the mirror to death* SHUT UP FOOL! PARADOX!

Paradox: *Appears, squeaks*

Abner: Fetch me my hunter!

Paradox: *Salutes haphazardly without the benefit of thumbs*

It wasn't long before the queen's faithful pet located her hunter. He was said to be the greatest hunter in the land, not even taking the time for necessities such as eating and sleeping in order to hunt day and night. Presumably he just killed things and left them to rot. But some say he gave them away. Yep. I'm going to say he gave them away, probably to–

Hunter: I believe you are giving away spoilers.

Right. Well, he was an excellent hunter, which was why the queen sought him now in her time of need.

Abner: Hunter!

Hunter: Your highness?

Abner: Take the princess deep into the forest that only you know so well, and slay her!

Hunter: Beg pardon?

Abner: Slay her! Kill her! Stab her in the throat, slide the blade down her gullet, rip open her chest cavity, cut out her heart, and bring it to me! In this box! *Holds up an empty Clorox wipes canister*

Hunter: Why?

Abner: *Practically frothing at the mouth* SO THAT I MAY CLEAN IT.

Hunter: …

Abner: GO!

Hunter: *Salutes indifferently and walks off*

Paradox: *Slithers over to the queen* Chatterchatter?

Abner: I don't know, my pet. Maybe he's trying to blend in with the trees.

Paradox: Chatter?

Abner: Yes, I realize only the leaves are green! But it works for him, I guess.

The hunter reluctantly sought out the lovely princess to take her to her doom. He took her into the forest under the pretense that there was a great coffee shop somewhere in the darkest part of the woods that he knew she'd enjoy.

Hunter: *Monotone* Come with me, princess. There is a great coffee shop hidden in the darkest part of the woods that you might enjoy.

Conrad: Fine, whatever.

They headed off into the darkest part of the forest where no one could hope to hear the princess being brutally murdered and ripped to pieces. But as they neared their destination, the hunter faltered. Possibly, he did not even give a shit about killing the princess to begin with.

Conrad: Where's the coffee shop?

Hunter: There isn't one.

Conrad: *Eyes the hunter suspiciously* What?

Hunter: The queen sent me here to kill you.

Conrad: What!

Hunter: And to rip out your heart.

Conrad: That asshole! I knew there was something wrong with that guy when he told me to scrub the dirt off his dirt!

Hunter: Uh, okay. Well, you're free.

Conrad: What?

Hunter: I'm setting you free. I didn't actually plan to kill you. It would be better to just have you take off for a while so the queen will be less batshit crazy and might actually take care of her people. Or something.

Conrad: Yeah, okay. That makes sense.

Hunter: Better get going.

Conrad: Right.

The princess took off into the woods, leaving the hunter staring nonchalantly after her. She grumbled the entire way through, lifting her skirts to keep the dirt off of her.

Conrad: I'm not wearing a skirt!

But you are avoiding the dirt.

Conrad: Of course! It's dirt!

You're in a forest. There's dirt everywhere.

Conrad: Shut up!

So the dirty princess who wasn't wearing any bottoms–

Conrad: I am wearing bottoms!

It's not a skirt.

Conrad: They're pants!

Princesses wear skirts.

Conrad: Piss off!

The brave princess continued to prance around the woods looking for… for whatever. A new home maybe, as if there would randomly be one there for her.

Conrad: Hey look! A random home!

The princess approached the place hesitantly, wary of what may lay inside. She circled the place once, twice. She peered into the windows, and, satisfied that no one crazy was inside, finally knocked on the door.

Voice on the other side of the door: Who is it!

Conrad: A wandering, er, wanderer. Seeking a place to live for a while.

Voice on the other side of the door: Okay awesome!

The door opened, revealing a boy with curly red hair and a stupid grin slapped across his face.

Conrad: What the –Hanna!

Hanna: Hiya!

Conrad: You're one of the seven dwarves?

Hanna: I'm _the_ dwarf.

Conrad: What happened to the rest of them?

Hanna: *Grins sheepishly* They, uh, they left.

Conrad: *Dryly* I can't imagine why. What about the hunter? *Gestures to the hunter who is lurking in the doorway behind the Hanna-Dwarf*

Hanna: *Shrugs* He has nothing better to do?

Conrad: *Sighs* Fine.

Meanwhile, back at the castle the queen received her magic Clorox wipes container that the hunter had sent along to her. There was indeed a heart inside of it, but, unbeknownst to the queen, it was not the heart of the princess. It was the heart of a pig.

Hanna: *Mouth full, barbecue sauce all over face* Ish gud, righ'?

Conrad: *Tries not to vomit* Urgh.

Giddy and greedy, the queen wrenched it open, and poured bleach inside. Then she closed it, and shook it up. She then opened it again, dumped out the bloody bleach, and poured more bleach inside. Rinse, lather, repeat. Eventually it dissolved into nothing, and the queen rejoiced.

Abner: The princess is no more!

To make herself feel even better for her triumph, the queen went to her new magic mirror imported from China to hear it say that she was (now) the purest in the land.

Abner: Mirror, mirror on the stand, who's the cleanest in the land?

Mirror: 不是你。

Abner: What!

Mirror: 还有另一种。 公主康拉德。

Abner: But she is dead!

Mirror: 这是一头猪的心脏混蛋。

Abner: A PIG!

Outraged, the queen destroyed this mirror too.

Abner: So the hunter has failed me! On purpose! I guess I'll just have to kill her myself.

Paradox: Chatter?

Abner: No, you're staying here. To hold down the fort.

Paradox: Chatterchatter.

Abner: Of course I'm sure! I'm not crazy!

And so the queen hurried off to her secret lair, where she did the only thing she could think of doing.

Abner: I'll disguise myself as an old lady who works for the red cross, so that I can offer the princess a sample blood bag, and she'll eat it! But I'll have poisoned it! SO SHE WILL DIE! IT'S BRILLIANT!

The queen worked her dark magic, transforming herself into a housewife in maybe her mid-forties, fifties, wearing a lab coat and cheap lipstick who just needed a hobby. Her disguise complete, she siphoned off blood from a random dead guy in her cellar. She grinned and hurried off to the forest where, for whatever reasons, she knew her step-daughter to be.

And back at the little cottage in the woods…

Hanna: Me and Hemsworth are going to go fight demons and stuff, wanna come with?

Conrad: No.

Hanna: Okay. Well, you'll be by yourself.

Conrad: Alright.

Hanna: All alone.

Conrad: Yes.

Hanna: With no one else here.

Conrad: Got it.

Hanna: And since the evil queen is probably looking for you, it's not going to be safe.

Conrad: She thinks I'm dead.

Hanna: Uh, yeah. Well anyway don't open the door to strangers or anything, especially the ones who look like they're up to good.

Conrad: You mean no good?

Hanna: Heh, Connie you're adorable.

Together Hanna and the hunter headed off into the forest, leaving the princess behind.

Conrad: I have the sudden urge… to bake a pie? And have wild birds jump all over it?

Several hours passed. Conrad indeed made a pie, if only to entice the birds to come near, just to close the window at the last second and chuckle to himself over their angry chirping.

Conrad: I think all this bullshit is starting to wear on me.

Meanwhile, in possibly another part of the forest…

Abner: *Stumbles upon the random cottage* Wow, that was lucky.

It wasn't another part of the forest at all. It was the same exact spot almost. The queen heaved her new form down the hill leading to the place that might as well be a black hole, sucking everyone into it like that.

Cottage: I'm magic!

Upon reaching the cottage, the queen knocked on the window. Because, you know, windows beat doors.

Abner: *Knocks, brushes off an atom of dirt from a molecule of dirt*

Conrad: *Angry at being interrupted from whatever it is Conrad does on his own time* *Fantasizing about opacities, probably* Hanna, if that's you knocking on the windows–

The princess threw open the windows ready to interrogate a dwarf, but was unexpectedly startled by an ugly old red cross representative instead.

Conrad: Gah!

Abner: Why hello …my dear!

Conrad: H-hi?

Abner: I'm a harmless red cross nurse just passing through these lovely woods to find the local mall where we're holding a blood drive, and I accidentally stumbled upon this cottage! Ha-ha! Ha-ha! May I come in?

Now the princess would have said no, but talking about all those… malls made her awfully hungry.

Far across the woods, the Hanna dwarf suddenly sensed that something was wrong at his cottage. Or, rather, a swarm of pissed off birds alerted him to the douchebaggery of the princess.

Bird: Chirp chirp chirrrrrrrrp!

Hanna: What?

Bird: Chirp chirp!

Hanna: Oh that's not nice! I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding!

Bird: Chirp!

Hanna: Are you sure it was my cottage?

Bird: Chirp!

Hanna: The one at the bottom of a small hill?

Bird: Chirp!

Hanna: The one with the helpless princess inside?

Bird: *Rolls eyes* Fucking chirp!

Hanna: We're on our way!

Happy to please, Hanna and the hunter headed back to his place to chill everyone out.

Meanwhile, back at the cottage, the princess had the wits to not let the stranger into the Hanna-Dwarf's house, but she did open the window wide enough to make it an easy entry point.

Conrad: I can't let you in, but here I am, widening this window why not.

Abner: Excellent! Oh, my …dear. You look so terribly pale. Would you be interested in this here blood bag that I already have, even though I just said I hadn't made it to the blood drive yet?

Conrad: *Stomach grumbles* Er, I don't think–

Abner: *Pulls out the bag and waves it alluringly* Oh please? It would be so nice of you to let me treat you!

Conrad: *Stomach roars and launches itself at the walls of his insides* Fine.

The princess in her charming naivety took the bag from the old bat. In a hilarious twist of fate, that was when Hanna and the hunter appeared at the top of the hill, just in time to witness the princess's doom.

Hanna: Oh shit!

Hunter: …

They both took off down the hill running full tilt boogie toward the house, one of them screaming at the top of his lungs. I'll give you a hint: It was Hanna. The princess, however, was too entranced by the blood to notice, and took an unsuspecting sip. The death in it hit her instantly. Her blood ran cold and stopped altogether.

Abner: I DID IT!

At that precise moment, a very upset Hanna and hunter barreled into the disguised queen, ripping her clean in half.

Abner: Gack! *Dies*

Hanna: *Wipes the blood of the dead queen onto his clothes, which bleached the color out of the spots it touched* PRINCESS!

But it was too late. Knowing nothing else to do for her, Hanna and the hunter crafted an ornate glass coffin to set the body of the still princess inside. They placed the entire thing in the middle of the forest and guarded it day and night. Well, hunter did. Hanna slept occasionally.

Word of the beautiful princess lying asleep in a glass coffin in the woods spread far and wide. Many people were shocked and upset by the news of their beloved princess being out for the count. However, there was one who was delighted by it, if only because he now knew where to find the one he had been searching for.

Worth: Gee-up horse.

Horse *Wheezes from second hand smoke*

Worth: None o' yer lip.

Weeks went by for Hanna and the hunter, sad, sad weeks. And then in spring, a prince appeared on his horse. Near and far he had searched for his beloved princess, and, here, was she. In a glass coffin. Pretty much helpless.

Worth: *Jumps off his horse with all the grace of a Worth* Fin'lly, my search's over.

Hanna: It's the prince!

Hunter: Yes.

Standing reverently aside, Hanna and the hunter allowed the majestic prince to remove the lid of the glass coffin and kneel over the princess for one last kiss. Or a series of kisses. There had been rumors as to the particulars of this prince's sexual appetite, but nothing anyone would believe. Or, you know, dare accuse him of.

The entire forest held its breath as the prince kissed the princess. Was this true love? Could it wake the poor, clean princess?

Instantly some color flooded back into the cheeks of the princess, and she took her first breath in a long, long time. The creatures of the woods cheered and a heart-felt string quartet struck up a tune as the princess's eyes fluttered awake and–

Conrad: *Sees the prince standing over him, a shit-eating grin plastered across his face* AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGH WHAT THE FF–

Hanna: The princess! SHE IS ALIVE!

Worth: Hell ya she is. *Lights up a cigarette* Time ter get outta here. Wanna ride my horse princess?

Conrad: SON OF A FUCKING BITCH WORTH WHAT THE BLOODY–

And they all lived happily ever after.

Hanna: CONRAD JUST ATE WORTH

Heh. Yes. Yes he did. BAM.

End.


	2. Cinderella

I have decided to make a slew of parodies of whatever I feel like making parodies of. Some Disney, yes (this one's Cinderella) (I also got some good suggestions from mabpanda that I'll be bringing into reality), but all of the world is my game. Expect them. And expect to love them.

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**Cinderella**

Once upon a time in a far off kingdom, there lived a little girl named Cinderella who loved her parents very much.

And one day, the mom died. The court wasn't able to prove anything. Then the dad remarried to a woman with two daughters. And then the dad died. The jury was left scratching their heads yet again.

Adelaide: I'm pretty clever. What can I say?

Poor Cinderella was forced to do all the chores while her evil stepsisters watched from afar, and laughed at her.

Casimiro: I would like to point out that he's doing this all on his own. The bastard's a mysophobe for crying out loud!

Then one day it was announced that there was to be a ball held in honor of the prince, who was seeking a bride.

Worth: An' she's gotta have nice round titties or she won't do. Looks like yer in luck, Fagerella. *Flicks off cigarette butt lazily*

Conrad: Look here you cancerous bastard–

The stepmother was overjoyed upon receiving her invitation because she had two lovely daughters for the prince to choose from.

Adelaide: Gag me.

Poor Cinderella was excited too, for this was her chance to be rid of her stepmother and stepsisters, and to never have to clean again.

Conrad: *Whining* But everything's so _dirty_.

Casimiro: I told you! He just cleans everything by himself!

But her stepmother, thinking it far too good for her wretched stepdaughter, forbade her from going.

Adelaide: You're going to that ball you son of a bitch! I want you out of my house!

Conrad: It's MY house you filthy whore! YOU go to the ball and leave MY house alone!

Adelaide: MAKE ME.

So Conrad hired a paranormal investigator to cleanse his house of the vampire plague. Only, the investigator screwed up and turned Conrad into a vampire.

Adelaide: Heh. Douchebag.

Hanna: Waitwaitwait! This isn't the story of Cinderella! You're changing it!

Conrad: No, this is my story, and how that bitch turned me into a vampire!

Hanna: *Whining, blue eyes huge behind his glasses* But what about Cinderella!

Conrad: To hell with your story! I will have no part in it! *Storms off*

Hanna: *Keening* But who will marry the prince!

*Everyone looks over at Worth, who's standing around, smoking another cig*

Worth: Come an' get it.

Casmiro: *Shrugs* Eh, why not.

You just ruined Cinderella!

Hanna: That's what I said!

That's what she said.

Hanna: I don't get it.

END


	3. The Black Cauldron

**The Black Cauldron**

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A long, long time ago, there was a cauldron, and it was black. My computer has shitty speakers, so I couldn't hear what was so evil about this particular cauldron, but it was terrible. Whoever found it would have power greater than Walt Disney Himself. But no one knows where it is. Cue adorable old man.

Ples: There is something brewing in the world. *Tastes the stew he's making in that magical cottage in the woods, decides it's edible* I believe it is lunch time. *Goes to the door of the cottage* Boy! Get in here so that we may eat this food that I have just made.

Veser: *Grumbles something about malnutrition but obediently goes to the cottage* Hey. Why the hell do you still get to wear that dumb old-timey outfit, and I have to wear this stupid peasanty bullshit?

Ples: Because it suits you.

They ate the food. And then the boy was told to go feed the special pig.

Veser: But he ate once already!

Hanna-Pig: Feed me! I'm a pig! *Snickers* Only I'm really not.

Ples: Don't anger the pig, my boy. For it is a magical pig!

Veser: No shit.

Ples: Indeed, as you say. And you must take it deep into the forbidden forest!

Veser: Where? The hell is a–

Ples: You must keep the pig hidden from the Horn King, who will use it to find the terrible black cauldron, with which he will take over the world!

Veser: *Snort* The _who_ will do _what _with a _what?_

Ples: There you will wait for me–

Veser: I'm going on ahead? But why don't you just come with us–

Ples: No time! You must go now, lad! And hurry!

Veser: We need to get lost in a forest? This is going to be easy as shit. Come on pig!

Hanna-Pig: Oink! *Giggles and runs after Veser*

…: Be careful, Hanna.

Hanna-Pig: Don't worry about me, Mustafa. How much trouble can a pig get into?

I told you my speakers were shitty. So the boy agrees, partly because the old man told him to do it, a little bit because the old man was getting a little funny in the head and was making the boy nervous, but mostly because the boy wanted an adventure.

But because the boy doesn't pay a whole lot of attention to the pig, it disappears. The boy gives chase in the direction he believes the pig to have gone in.

Veser: Pig! Pig, where the hell are you! *Pulls out an apple* Here, come get some food!

But instead of attracting the Hanna-Pig, he gets a weird little furry creature instead, who snatches the apple from him.

Veser: Hey! Give me that apple back! *Picks up a stick*

Furry Creature: Gibbergibberyackagibber!

Veser: Look here you little fuck, I will beat the ever living shit out of you if you don't give that back!

Furry Creature: *Dances and gibbers, toying with the apple*

Veser: *Raises stick* Don't mess with me! I'm warning you!

Furry Creature: *Leers and takes a bite of the apple*

Veser: Fuck it, I warned you. *Beats the little animal to death horribly and violently*

Furry Creature *Is dead*

Veser: Yeah, fuck you.

Suddenly the pig runs by and is caught by foul demons and carried away.

Hanna-Pig: *trails off*

Veser: *Throws the bloodied stick in their direction* That's MY pig you bastards! *Gives chase*

…: *Sighs* Oh Hanna…

So the boy gives chase and comes upon an evil looking castle, where he is pretty sure the foul demons have taken his pig.

Veser: I'ma be a hero now, bitches!

And despite all the demon guard-lackies just hanging about, the boy sneaks into the castle pretty much unnoticed. It's a Disney movie, and kids can do that sort of shit.

Veser: Damn, that was easy. These guys are stupid. I must be in a Disney movie.

Random Dog: *The only one to see the boy, starts barking*

Veser: *Bares pointy teeth* I will fucking eat you dog!

The dog ceases his barking, and the boy continues on. He eventually finds the pig at the feet of the Horn King.

Veser: Pig, you asshole. Where the hell have you–

Worth: I am th' Horn King! Behold–

Veser: What? Why the hell are you the Horn King?

Worth: Wot?

Veser: I mean, you're an asshole, but you're not really evil.

Worth: Asshole'll do. THROW THIS BASTARD IN TH' DUNGEON! An leave th' pig. 'M starvin'.

Hanna-Pig: Hey, wait–

So the boy is thrown into the dungeon. And there he finds something –or someone –else.

Toni: Oh hi! I'm a princess, stuck in this castle. Wanna go on an adventure?

Veser: Only if that adventure is finding my pig and getting the hell out of here. I have shit to do.

Toni: Why would you bring a pig into a castle like this? There's demons everywhere. Everywhere. And these things eat _people_.

Veser: They won't eat _my_ pig.

Toni: Why wouldn't they?They're going to go, "Oh, look at that adorable pig–"

Veser: Uh, cuz it's fuckin' _magic?_

Toni: "Oh, look at that adorable magic pig, I bet its magic makes it extra tasty yum–"

Veser: Okay, got it. Damn. Let's just go find it, yeah? You're making me want bacon.

Toni: Only if we get out of here after.

Veser: Why would that even be an issue?

It's at this point in the movie that both me and my computer are falling asleep. So let's wrap this up, shall we? They find the pig.

Worth: But I en' done wi' 'im yet.

Hanna-Pig: Help me! For the love of all the gods, someone please help me!

They find him.

Worth: *Raises a fist* I en't–

Here. Have Conrad.

Conrad: No, fuck off! I'm busy!

Worth: *Sleazy grin* Off ya go li'l piggy. Grownups gotta talk. *Hand snakes around Conrad's waist*

Conrad: What –Let go! _You son of a bitch voice I am going to fucking kill you!_

The boy and the princess find the pig, and they escape. At one point they come across an old man and his magic lute, and, uh, a magic sword too because, why not.

Veser: *Leers at the princess* Hey, princess. Wanna touch my magical sword?

Toni: Yeah sure. *Turns into a werewolf and claws the hell out of Veser*

Veser: I meant gently!

And thus the day is saved.

Hanna-Pig: I think we're forgetting someone.

Veser: Don't care.

Ples: *Lost somewhere in the forbidden forest, sighs* Alone at last.

END


	4. The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe

Once upon a time there were four children who, because of a war, had to move in with a random old guy who lived out of the way in the countryside. He might have been a distant relative, but who really knows. He was weird, and he liked clocks. A lot. Probably more than what's strictly healthy.  
>Each of the children had issues. Peter, as the eldest Peevishly, was burdened with the care of his two younger sisters and youngest brother. <p>

Worth: *Leers at Conrad* Wouldn't call it a burden.  
>Conrad: *Slaps his own face* I'm your <em>brother<em> in this story, asshole.  
>Worth: Eh, tomato-potato. <p>

Susan, as the eldest sister, had to now become the mother of all four of the children while their mother was away. 

Tony: I'm Susan. I love everybody.  
>Everybody: Stow it. <p>

Edmund, the youngest brother, had daddy issues. 

Conrad: I didn't even know my father. 

And Lucy, the youngest sister, was just plain gullible and dumb. 

Hanna: This is wicked awesome! We're gonna make lots of friends and play plenty of hide-and-seek and- 

Now it happened one day that they were running to hide from a misdeed or another when Lucy, the dearest sister, shut herself up in a room which contained the most marvelous wardrobe she had ever seen. Entranced, she immediately fondled and poked and prodded it and then just stared for a bit. 

Hanna: Looks like there's nothing to do but to… INVESTIGATE! *Pulls out a magnifying glass and climbs into wardrobe* 

As she went deeper and deeper into the wardrobe, she couldn't help but notice that it had no end. And all at once, she spilled out of the back of it and into a snowy forest. 

Hanna: Trippy! This place is neat! I wonder where I am.  
>…: You're in Narnia.<br>Hanna: Whoa! Who are you?  
>…: You may call me Mr. Tumnus.<br>Hanna: Great! Let's be friends!  
>Mr. Tumnus: Alright, why not? I have cocoa at my house.<br>Hanna: Then what are we still doing here new-friend-Mr. Tumnus? Let's go! 

But Mr. Tumnus had a secret. He was a spy for the wicked ice witch who was ruler of his world of Narnia, and who was looking for four human children. Mr. Tumnus, having immediately recognized Lucy as one, had only the thought to lure her to his house, where they would await servants of the evil queen to take the girl away. But while Lucy was there, chatting away gaily– 

Veser: Super gay. 

–he felt his heart, warm to begin with, softening even more. He discovered he wanted nothing more than Lucy's dear company. He decided that he must get her home before the evil ice witch found out she was there. 

Mr. Tumnus: This was fun, but you have to go back now.  
>Hanna: Oh, why!<br>Mr. Tumnus: Because you're in terrible danger.  
>Hanna: Oooh, but–<br>My Tumnus: *Stern look*  
>Hanna: Alright. But can I come back tomorrow?<br>Mr. Tumnus: *Shrugs* Sure, why not? 

And so it was that Lucy came to the magical land of Narnia, hidden away in the wardrobe, every day to visit with her new goaty friend Mr. Tumnus. But she was not the only one to discover the world in the wardrobe. One day her brother Edmund found his way through. But he did not encounter a friend as Lucy had. He encountered something –or someone –far more sinister. 

Conrad: What the hell is this place?  
>Adelaide: *Appears out of nowhere on a sleigh* Well hello, child! Fancy meeting a son of Adam here!<br>Conrad: *Dejectedly* I never knew my father…  
>Adelaide: Isn't that terrible! Well, how would you like to be a king?<br>Conrad: *Suspicious* Are you selling meth?  
>Adelaide: I'm selling a kingdom silly boy! All you have to do is fondle my titties, and give me your brother and sisters!<br>Conrad: But I don't like titties. 

Well, that's what Conrad meant to say. But he doesn't use words like "titties", so it was more of a mumble going hand-in-hand with a reddening face. Followed by encouragement from Veser. 

Veser: Gaaaaaaaaaaay 

Eventually Conrad agreed to sell out the other Peevishly children for a kingdom. He'd never wanted one before, but he was thoroughly fed up with his siblings, especially the eldest, Peter, who was a glory hog. 

Conrad: The words to describe Worth haven't been invented yet; we are far too civilized. And Tony, I suppose she's alright, but she certainly can be suffocating sometimes.  
>Adelaide: *Bored out of her mind* Uh-huh.<br>Condrad: And Hanna, ugh. If anyone ever needed a sedative, it's that guy. And we have to live with our uncle who I'm pretty sure isn't really our uncle at all and I'll explain why in this really long rant–  
>Adelaide: Enough! Go! Bring your brother and sisters to me.<br>Conrad: You won't… hurt them, will you?  
>Adelaide: *Rolls eyes* Why no, my dear! Perish the thought! I simply desire to meet them.<br>Conrad: Well alright. 

Conrad arrived back just in time to find Lucy arguing with Peter and Susan. Lucy was insisting that if they walked into the old and dusty wardrobe, they'd end up in another land with goat people. Peter told her politely to please be quiet and knock off the nonsense- 

Worth: S'not wot I said! Was more swearin n shit n fuckin Hanna talkin off abou' some shit er 'nother. 

And Susan insisted that her dear sister needed to lie down, she'd over-worked herself. Somehow. God knows how. *Eye roll* 

Conrad: What did I miss? Wait, don't tell me. I don't care.  
>Hanna: Look! He's just come from the wardrobe! It exists, I'm telling you! And it's all sorts of super mega awesome even though it's really cold and snowy but it's cool and wait until you meet my friend Mr. Tumnus-<br>Conrad: Oh, yeah. I have a friend for you guys to meet too.  
>Toni: So, this place really exists?<br>Hanna: Oh yeah! It's gonna be lots of fun, just follow me and I'll show you how great it is!  
>Worth: Nah, got more important shit t'do than ter-<br>Ples: Oh children, where are you? Have you seen the time? Oh dear me, the time-  
>Worth: *Eye roll* Fuckit. Le's go.<p>

So they walk into the wardrobe and find themselves going from a summery English countryside to a snowy magical land.

Worth: Well shove a fuckin' brick up m'arshole if this en't a fuckin' fairytale horseshitfuckin' place.  
>Toni: Eloquent, Peter. So finely said.<br>Hanna: Come on guys! We have to go meet Mr. Tumnus!  
>Conrad: No, we should meet my friend -<br>Worth: *snort* Y'en't got friends, fagula. Follow th' lil' ginger shit. 

So they all go to Mr. Tumnus' place, which is destroyed and Mr. Tumnus is no where to be found.

Hanna: TUMNUS WHY

And some beavers find them instead. Fast forward, three of the four kids are having their predicament explained to them, and the last Peevishly has made his way to the evil ice queen because damn the consequences.

Conrad: I'm back!  
>Adelaide: Where are your sisters and brother?<br>Conrad: Eh, not with me? Talking to some beavers. Hey, can I have more Turkish delight?  
>Adelaide: Of course! *Throws Conrad in the dungeon* HOW'S THAT FOR TURKISH DELIGHT, BITCH?<br>Conrad: GODDAMMIT.  
>Mr. Tumnus: Hey, a human. You must be Lucy's brother.<br>Conrad: Oh shit. Mr. Tumnus!

While Mr. Tumnus and Edmund regale each other with their own personal tales of woe, the evil ice queen sends out wolves to get the remaining Peevishly children. The plan fails. Probably because secretly one of the Peevishly sisters is a motherfucking werewolf and destroys them all. Fast forward again, and the kids find Santa, who gives them presents.

Lamont: Ha ha ha! I have presents!  
>Worth: Dun' want any o' yer shit, Monty.<br>Lamont: No, shut up, look. I've got a sword for you.  
>Worth: Hell yeah.<br>Lamont: A sweet bow set for Susan.  
>Toni: Lookat me! I'm Katniss! Pew pew pew!<br>Lamont: And an adorable little Hanna-sized dagger for Lucy!  
>Hanna: WOWSOCOOLTHANKSMANTHISISSOAW ESOMEHELLYEAHLOOKITMYAWESOME KNIFE-<br>Lamont: Yeah, whatever. Don't get killed. Most of you owe me money.

Santa leaves, but then Aslan shows up, to keep things moving.

Veser: I'm Jesus. I mean Aslan, your god. You guys need to go save your brother Edmund, even though he's been a whiney little shit. Your mom'll kill you if you show up back on earth without him. Like, with her fangs and shit, she'll kill you.  
>Hanna: You're mom is-<br>Veser: GO SAVE EDMUND.

They siblings go rescue Edmund and, consequently, Mr. Tumnus.

Hanna: ALRIGHT MR. TUMNUS.

And they have to fight the evil ice queen, but not before she sacrifices Aslan first.

Veser: Yeah, but I come back to life, right?

And Aslan does, indeed, come back to life, just in time to kick the ice queen's shit all over the place. The good guys save the day. And Peter and Edmund are crowed kings and Susan and Lucy are crowned queens, and they live happily ever after as the rulers of Narnia.

THE END.

Hanna: No, they all go back at the end.

To be kids again?

Hanna: Yeah. Being a kid is awesome.

And they all went back at the end, because they all agreed that being a kid is awesome.


End file.
